The birds woke me up this morning.
The first thing I did was to thank the Lord for waking me to another day and for guiding me safely through the night.
Today is Easter. Easter used to be so special to me.
When I was a little girl Easter was all about New Beginnings. It was Spring after all. The sun was warmer. Little Crocus' were blooming. The whole world seemed hopeful.
Some years my younger brother Alan (just 11 months younger) and I could look forward to something new to wear to church. Church was our weekly chance to see other people. We lived in the country and rarely played with anyone other than ourselves. After church we knew we would have a wonderful Easter dinner. Dinner for us was as close to noon as possible. Our evening meal was known as "Supper".
Flowers were always a huge part of Easter. Corsages were given to Mothers and often even to little girls. Our church provided men and little boys with carnations for their lapels. As I grew older being able to buy fabric for a new outfit was an enormous treasure. The one Easter I remember as being the best of all was during my freshman year of high school. My Mom bought me some silk shantung floral pink fabric for a dress. She also bought be some wool gabardine to make a light weight open coat. That year I even purchased a beautiful pink hat with flowers that matched my dress. Oh did I EVER feel like a fashion plate. Hazardville Methodist Church was my catwalk. I received SO many complements. I loved complements.
Easter was such a special time.
Today there will be no church. Today there will be no children or grandchildren. All of my Easter decorations are packed away.
Am I sad? Yes. I have literally been sad or bursting out with tears for a week now. I used to start planning the next holiday as soon as the last one was over. The children would be coming...what more could I ask for.
No more. Now I just have to accept that holidays are over for me. There will be no hugs. There will be no jumps for joy when Easter baskets are found. There will be no filling of plastic eggs to be hidden on the backyard hill.
For me, Easter is about family. My children now feel that "family" is themselves and their children.
That has broken my heart. It makes me feel purposeless. I grieve for what once was.
Acceptance is very difficult for me. I keep praying for grace. Maybe as the years pass I will be able to accept that for me Easter will never be the holiday I so looked forward to.